Don’t trust the Internet for Father’s Day gift

chrissycsmith June 18, 2014 Comments Off on Don’t trust the Internet for Father’s Day gift
Don’t trust the Internet for Father’s Day gift

Father’s Day is around the corner. What are you getting your dad?
Shopping for dad is great, because dads are easy to shop for! Says the internet. The Internet tells me my dad might enjoy a quaint, little tin of paper clips shaped like sardines. Or a pen shaped like a screwdriver. Or maybe even a $64 set of artisan salami.
These would all be great suggestions, except that they are ridiculous. (I’m sorry if you thought they were good. I’m telling you now they are not.) Along with the sticky notes disguised inside a matchbook cover–why would I give my dad any of these things? What man needs to disguise his tiny sticky notes? Probably the same one who uses paper clips shaped like sardines.
Allow me to assume my own dad’s response to these suggestions: “Do not buy me any of these things. Love, Dad.”
So why do these items make the list of “Father’s Day Gift Ideas”? 1. The internet is dumb, and just trying to sell you things. And 2. “Nobody Knows What to Buy For Dad So Here’s a List of Nothing” is not a very good list and will not sell anything at all.
Dads are hard to shop for, mostly because dads are men, and men are impossible. My dad says he’s easy to shop for, but that is crazy talk because nobody knows what to get him, ever. So I end up buying him something silly like an ice cream maker for Christmas. I have a long and glorious history of buying my dad silly gifts he doesn’t need, same as everyone else I know. There are the old standby Father’s Day gifts–necktie, money clip, golf balls, tools Dad already owns–all of which I have probably given my dad at some point. Being a gracious kind of guy, he has always seemed genuinely thrilled with the gifts I have given him, even the gold-plated ram’s head medallion on a chain I bought him in elementary school.
Here’s the thing about dads: if they want something, they will probably buy it. If your dad hasn’t already gone out and bought himself some Looney Toons golf club covers, chances are he doesn’t want that Donald Duck cover you chose for him. (My dad actually used the one I gave him. Because that’s what dads do.)
So…dad wants something from the heart, perhaps? Maybe something handmade? Martha Stewart, on her list of “Handmade Gifts For Dad,” suggests an embroidered linen necktie. All I can say to that is, where were you 30 years ago, Martha? Instead of hand crafting that jewelry box for my dad out of a styrofoam egg carton (decorated with a ball point pen), I could have stitched him a linen tie and personalized it with a monogram. But then he wouldn’t have had a place to store his ram’s head medallion necklace.
Truth be told, I don’t really give my dad Father’s Day gifts anymore. I could never top the egg carton jewelry box, so why bother? And also, I take him for granted, the way one does when one has always had a healthy, doting, present father. I’m old enough to know better, but I assume he knows how important he is to me, how I think of him every time I succeed (or fail!), and how I depend on the unwavering fact that he is always, always there.
I’m pretty sure sardine-shaped paper clips fail to convey that sentiment. But with the egg carton jewelry box, I may have hit it out of the park.
I love you, Daddy. Happy Father’s Day.

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